Hello my name is Ami. I am 15 years old and want a boyfriend badly. i have had one but didn't think i treated him well enough. My best friend Kayleigh has a boyfriend called Mark. He ain't to bad looking but i wouldn't go out with him. There is a good looking guy called Liam.He is 16. There ain't to many good looking boys in our school to be honest. No one wants to go out with me after what i did to David. Mabie i just don't deserve one.
The reason i dont think i deserve one is because i had one called David in p7 and didn't think i treated him well enough i nearly killed him cause we were out for a walk and i pushed hiim and he nearly fell of the cliff and i ran away cause i didn't really like him that much. Luckly he didn't fall over the side cause he would of landed in the sea. He did break his arm though and no one else has wanted to go out with me since then.
Since we went to the Grammer David has become more popular and everything he doesn't talk to me anymore though but to be honest i don't blame him for what i did to him. There is a boy called Dennis and he aint to bad looking either but he is Davids best friend so if David told him what had happened i don't think he will want to go out with me. There is more good looking people in the year above us though that don't know David.I hope i get a boyfriend one day. One of my best friends is called George so mabie he could help me.The bell has just rung so i will ask him tomorrow. I am walking home now.It takes bout 10 minutes to walk home when i get in my little sister comes and gives me a hug and i have a drink of juice and a biscuit and then go through to my room and do homework i have science and maths homework to do for tomorrow. It took me half an hour to do it then i went on my laptop before tea.One of my friends Sammy is on so i talked to her she lives in Inverness but used to live up here.I told her that i wanted a boy friend and she said don't push it just wait and they will come to you.I then was getting tierd so i went to sleep. The next morning i woke up at half past six and went for a shower then got dressed then dryed my hair. I went down stairs and had a drink of apple juice and a slice of toast and then went out and then went out and walked out to the bus stop. My friend who i usally go on the bus with was off today so it was just me. The bus came at eight. The bus was quiet today. I listened to my ipod cause i am on the bus for half an hour. When we got to school i went in to the hall and sat with my friend.We usally hang out in the morning. Cause we are both there early.Then the bell went for reg so we went to our reg classes mine is just along the corridoor so it aint far.We then went to our peirod 1 class i had maths.Maths aint that bad i dont think cause i find most of the things easy and the things i find hard are good cause you can learn them.I sit beside my friend Steph we have a laugh to.Then i had Geography i dont mind geography either i like it more than History and Modern Studies.I sit beside Rheanne in this subject.Then the bell went for break so we went down to the hall then we went a walk up to english cause we both had english next but we aint in the same class.In english we were reading this poem and then we had to write our own paragraphs on it. i sit beside George and he was going to talk to david about it but he hadnt had a chance yet so he would try and do it soon.I was tierd and couldn't be bothered with french next but i sit beside Kayleigh so it aint that bad but today was cause she wasn't there she was at the dentist so i was all alone but the time went fast so it wasnt as bad as i thought.Then it was lunchtime so i went down the street with Steph. I wasnt that hungry so i just got a drink. and then we went back to school and sat at a table. i couldnt remember what we had next but it was music i dont mind music i enjoy it. We are playing the guitars at the moment so it aint to bad getting kinda bored of it now though. It was kinda a skive today cause there was no teacher so we just messed around it was a 55 minute peirod and i couldnt remember what we had next but then it came it to me computing i hate it cause i aint good at it and found it borring and to be honest i didn't really care about it anyway.I sat next to Natasha and we were learning how the computer worked i was lost so was Natasha then we went and answered questions on it but we didn't know any of the answers so we gave up. It was then hometime i went on the bus and sat beside Rheanne it takes about half an hour before my stop. When i got home I went out on the trampoline for 15 minutes then went in and went on MSN and facebook untill tea. After tea i went a walk to the beach with Rheanne it took 15 minutes to get there and we stayed there for half an hour then went to the park and sat on the swings for a while then went home. It was getting damp.I went for a shower when i got home and watched t.v then went to bed. I was tired. I woke up up the next morning to find a text on my phone it was from George. It said he was going to ask David today and would tell me what he said tonight.I got up had a shower got dressed dried my hair put it up got my stuff and put it in my bag then i went down stairs to have breakfast.Then went to catch the bus. My friend that was off yesterday was back today.I sat next to her on the bus and told her what happend when she was off. George texted me i thought wow he's early i opened it and it said i am really sorry but David doesn't want to go out with you but he would still like to be friends was surprised and happy that he said yes. i wasn't to bothered about going out with him but i was happy we were still friends.
Feedback for Stargirl
Stargirl’s story works because her character is talking directly to the readers so we feel we know her. Because the story is written in a diary style, we actually feel we know her very well because she tells us all the intimate details of her life.
Her opening makes us want to read on. Ami wants a boyfriend, but no-one will go out with her since she nearly pushed her last one off a cliff! We wonder if Ami is a dangerous person, but when we find out it was an accident we feel sorry for her. Stargirl gains our sympathy for Ami easily and well through describing her thoughts and feelings about wanting a boyfriend and finding school difficult.
Some tips for next time:
Take new paragraphs when you change time, place, location or topic. You need to make your sentences shorter or to use joining words.
Plot out big dramatic events beforehand on a chart and then gradually fill in the gaps. I wanted to know more about the incident on the cliff and how David reacted and imagine you would have told us about that later - maybe using flashback.
Well done Stargirl! This was a pleasure to read.